The same person I met

June 9 2014

 The day, was Tracy's birthday... Nearly examination date, everyone start revision for final exam.. since I promised her, so I turn up her party. On the way me and pink heading to the Karaoke... my wechat sound.. I unlock my phone, 'Denny' send me message

Denny: still want beer?

Me: when huh??

Denny: Now????

Me: Now I can't I have to attend my friend's party, yesterday I told you, forgotten? where you want to drink???

Denny: My place...hh

Me: your place?? How I go back then??

Denny: I can drive you home... if I'm drunk I can help me call taxi...

Me: (considering, thinking.... hmmmm....)

Me: okay then, after my party you come fetch me.. then I go your place drink...

Denny: Can I join the party??

Me: oh... you want come over?? hmmm... I have to ask my friend first..

Denny: okay .. hh

after awhile......

Me: yeah my friend said you can come join us...

Denny: where is the place and what time??

Me: 10 at steeler club...

Denny: okay see ya later...

After the first celebration, heading to our second round.. steeler club.. while playing game.. Me and Denny was in a team.. loser have to finish one jug beer... the end me and denny didn't lose.. within that time I already drank 1 jug of beer and 2 tequila shots... getting drunk soon... been so long never drink that much... why I drank that much?? because of 'HIM'... and so tracy's friend challenge  me to drank finish one more jug of beer.. I'm so full and can't drink anymore, but seem he  want me to accompany him to drink.. after I drank half jug of the beer and I can't go for the rest...and tracy's friend keep forcing me.. end up I push it to Denny to help me finish it.. and he help me finish it... No longer, I went toilet and vomited twice... (the story too longer and I'm lazy to type) 

***Straight to the point... I'm drunk and I asked Denny send me back home... I remember what he said.. I remember how he comfort me, he do sang a song for me too ( but is korea song I can't understand the meaning)... I assumed that what he said because he drunk too...

From how we know each other, until we become friend and until I drunk... was so similar that how I met my ex from stranger to become friend and be couple... even their personality was so similar too... the same thing, same situation... I fall for my ex when I was drunk he take care of me... no longer.. he expressing his love to me..

What was the difference for Denny that is... he expressing love while I in drunk situation ... the next day he can't remember anything... WTH???

I admit that I do fall for him... but.. I can't.. I want someone that do really love me and dearly love on me.. but not the same personality and behavious as 'him'

I was thinking that.. is it that's was my destiny??? hmmm... but good.. he forgot about it.. because I don't want be in relationship with him...

OVER PLEASE!! I DON'T WANT A SUFFER RELATIONSHIP!! I NEED SOMEONE DO REALLY LOVE ME MORE... BUDDHA... PLEASE....

:( 

Now only I realize that....

29/4/2014

 In the day, my mood was glum, I wonder why my mind keep pop out the pictures that when we went for Redang trip. In the beach, I remember how we argue, how we stay sweet, how we fight, what you said before. I admit that, during that time, I do really act like childish. I regret before why I'm just can't be mature. I miss the moment you dearly love on me. I don't know why you hurt me so deep and I still can remember what you said to be before. The promise, the beg, the words, the sound, the expression.....

Who knows i'm still suffering for this? Who knows I'm struggling to erase all the memories.. I tried... But the memories keep recalled... and I suffered :'(

A tough person like you, because of me you tried to be soft, roman, reaching my demand... I'm happy that I'm your first girlfriend which you bought valentine's gift for. The bracelet (with star shape) I'm surprised that why could you know that I love this kind of bracelet... You answered me that I don't know, I just saw this was nice and suit you.. ( From that moment I know that our heart are link)... I thought, the always I thought,  you're my last boy friend.. but....( the end never be)

We kind of people that from two different world, our personality, temper, habits are quite similar... but... we have different thinking, and the most important thing is over education level are totally big distance.. because of this, you can't accept and we can't communicate well... everyday arguing... and I'm tired...

The bracelet you gifted me, I'm wearing on it in always, before that it never drop off. Since yesterday, it dropped off and I doesn't realize, when I'm realized, I'm happy because it proved that our fate is ended up.. But when I taking out my groceries, I found back , it return to me...( feel annoy) 

Ending up, I went to beach with my friends, I was thinking just drop it off into the deep sea, and it will never come back... always considering.. considering...

At last, my friend help me out, she help me throw off the bracelet into the deep sea.. and it will never ever come back to me... In future, whether our fate is it still there, I understand that.. something passed and it will never be back together...because time make everyone changed... ^^

Time past

24/3/2014    Rainy day

In this rainy day, listen to the song you sang for me before, I remember that smile that warm the first time we travel together, the first time we chat, we talk to each other. That's was a very good memories, I wonder did you recall those memories before?? Sometime I still will pass by your profile to see that recently how was you? I have no more guts to send you a greeting, this was the second time I wish to send you a greeting , but I didn't ! why should I? You not worth to get my greeting anymore. I hate you deeply, I never forgot how you treat me after break up! When you know that I'm going overseas, I wish to get a greeting from you (as a friend) but you never... ( past of me may feel disappointed on you, but now.. no more)

Someone say I still love you, but truely from my deep heart, you the one that suit my demand and the people that I searching for.. So that's why when you say broke up I hardly to let go? I'm suffering, crying to beg you back. How retarded I am to do such stupid thing to a person that don't appreciate my good? my effort?

I can live without you, I HATE SMOKER! I HATE YOUR STUPID IDIOT BRAINLESS LOW STANDARD FRIENDS! I HATE YOUR HEREDITY TEMPER!! 

Thanks for the hurts and thanks for letting me go, I happy that the end I don't need to pay my whole life with you! I do happy after you much people want to be couple with me, they treat me better than you, even knowledge is better than you

Finally my dreams come true. I able to went overseas for my study, the most important thing that I don't need to stay the standard that you were. 

BYE,BYE... PLEASE DISAPPEAR ^^

My first journey

1 March 2014

My second time, flying alone to overseas (Australia).  This fly will be long-term, decide to leave Malaysia, because of some reason, never think that I have that encourage to fly oversea for study.

I'm tiring of being your maid, tiring to be your daughter, I give up everything in Malaysia is to hide from you.

I try hardest to be independence, to prove you everything that I can done by myself, to do whenever both of you want me to do, at the end what I get? I doesn't want your money, doesn't want any good things or expensive thing. I only want your care, your praise. It's that really hard for you to do that?

You look down on me that I can't survive in overseas, but I will prove that !! You're totally wrong! I can survive without you! I can survive by my own.

I feel so disappointed that, even my last breakfast in malaysia you don't even accompany eat.. you just left me alone for boarding with sucks reason! I mad! I hate! why I will be treated in this way? What I do wrong? I do whenever you want!!!!

谢谢你阿姨~~~

7、11、2013

晚上，我刚冲好凉出来，电话响了，以为是xiao ling打给我，害我很紧张的去听了电话， 结果一看是文聪的啊姨打来。。。（我呆了一下） 才听。。。。

我：喂。。。。阿姨

阿姨：你们什么事哦？好好的为什么分手了？

我：不知道他哦。。。他说他想单身（眼泪差不多要掉了）

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阿姨：有机会我和他说下，看能帮你们拉回吗？很可惜啊。。。阿姨蛮喜欢你的

我：（眼泪流了）。。。不用了阿姨，他不爱我了。。就让他去吧。。。

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就这样挂了，我真的很开心阿姨说她蛮喜欢我的，她的3姐也说当我是他们家里的一部分了。。。这样就真的够了，你看不见我对你好，至少你家人和阿姨看见了。。。

这样我就满足了，至少我的付出没有白了。。。

对你的感觉有时在有时不在。。。或许被伤了一次又一次。。。而不大敢爱了。。。

祝你幸福。。。

越来越讨厌'他'

从前他是一个我很崇拜的生意人，因为他的成功是我们的榜样，值得我们尊敬和学习。。。但是自从那件事发生了，起初我能够理解为什么他会犯这样的错。。我以为他会像之前的我一样，玩够了会懂得回家。。。那时的我在想，大人又怎样？大人就不会犯错？是人都会做错事，只要知错，会回头，那就值得原谅。。。

结果我们一次又一次的给他机会，他还是要这样做。。都跟自己说。。他会回来的，他会知错的，只要再给他一次机会。。。没办法，在我心中他依然是我崇拜的那一位。。

日子久了，我只看见他越陷越深，能说的都说了，能做的都做了，我开始问自己，他还值得你尊重吗?？值得你崇拜吗？还值得你学习吗？答案。。。。。一直都在犹豫，因为相信他。。。

可是他一次又一次的让我们失望，被关一次了，还不怕，还要继续，我真的不明白，为什么聪明的你会变得如此愚蠢！谁才是你最亲的，谁才是在你身边陪伴在你身边那么多年的？难道你忘了吗？为什么就不知足？

从那次以后，我就和自己说，你再也不是我崇拜的那一位，你真的让我彻底的失望。。以前都在听别人在说，现在就真的发生在自己身上。。我软弱了，我不再坚强。。我累了。。。

不敢在奢望，就只能等待，等待有天他清醒的知道自己在做什么~~~

我恨你!! I HATE YOU!!

我该怎么做？

从以前到现在，我一直都很讨厌吸烟的人， 烟味臭，又有毒。。。和自己说过，无论如何都不要找吸烟的男友。。。。

之前那几个男友都没有吸烟，可是在一起都不久，直到前男友和现任男友都是有吸烟的。。。以前和前男友在一起的时候，就一直吵架，原因是因为他吸烟。。。一念就念了3年多。。。一吵也吵了3年多。。最后，失望了，顶不顺了。。我选择放弃。。而我也知道，他给不到我要的幸福。。。。

到现任男友，单身了那么就，只有他能让我心跳加速，能让我找回爱情的感觉。。。我在想我是不是不应该那么快就接受他？是不是应该了解对方了才在一起？因为爱。。。我选择接受。。我相信，缘分让我们重遇。。是件不容易的事。。我知道在一起了，不管发生什么事，不喜欢的，可以慢慢的改变，迁就，包容。。。因为我爱他。。

我能包容他的脾气，他的性格，而他也愿意为了我而改变。。真的很开心，也感恩他对我做的一切。。唯一我不能接受的就是吸烟。。每一次看到他吸烟，就强逼和自己说：‘算了，他吸一支罢了。。没怎样的。。他说他会戒的，给他一点时间’ 。。每一次都拿这一句来安慰自己。。他吸越多我的心就越痛。。因为害怕，担心那些毒药会吃了他的内脏。。担心他有一点就这样离我而去。。伤心了能做什么？ 强逼他戒吗？骂他吗？

我能做的就只是劝他，劝不听的话我也不知我能怎样了。。戒烟的方法试过了。。戒烟糖也买了不少给他。。我能做的都做了。。我真的不知道也不会怎样做了。。以他为结婚对象，就希望以后有孩子可以以他为榜样。。不吸，不嫖，不赌，不喝。。。偶尔应酬这些是难免的。。这个我接受得到。。。

现在的我只能问自己。。走还是留下？接受还是不接受？

(:'@':)