21/3/2016  雨天

我很想念刚认识的我们， 很想念我们聊着同样的话题，一起做饭的日子。。你知道吗？ 遇见你我真的是开心的。。 我真的开心过。。我曾以为我是这世界最幸福的女人。。你对我的体贴是我一直在寻找的。。。也因为这样我想做你的女人。。 所以我为了你做什么都可以。。 你不会的我教你。。 我喜欢看你吃着我甜点的那个样子。。我喜欢你对我温柔对我撒娇的那个样子，喜欢看你打功夫，拉小提琴的样子。。。

但为什么这美好都是短暂的？ 难道真的是我的问题？ 如果是， 我除了离开我不知道我还能怎样了。。就和以前一样。。。。我其实很简单， 只要你对我呵护，我就会变得越来越温柔。。但是我觉得我把你宠坏了。。。 你不停的在依赖我。。这不是我要的。。。

我们的爱。。。我们的孩子。。。就这样？ 你都不在乎？ 今天找各种讨厌你的理由把眼泪强忍回去。。回到家。。看到你，我又忍不住想哭了。。。我好想好想被你抱着说，老婆别走好么？别生气了好不？ 但是我每次只能期待。。。 最近看到你一直在萌萌那留言，我大致都知道你对她有点意思了。。女人的第6 感还是准的。。如果那个是你的幸福， 那我祝福。。

或许我们真的不适合。。。。

20/3/2016

时隔那么久我还是决定用回这个来发泄和诉苦。。以前有个叫陈文聪的伤了我一年多都不敢谈恋爱。。 后来一年多后我遇到了个叫‘李英东’的。。 我以为爱就要争取， 后来当了我这辈子都说过我不会当的角色就是‘小三’。。 但从他口中知道他已打算分手， 我才选择要这段爱情， 我以为， 一直以为我早对了人， 我以为他是我这辈子想嫁的人， 因为他对我的付出比任何一个前任都要好。。 我就认定他了。。 因为我累了， 我不想换了。。 

10/7/2015 我们在一起了， 热恋真好， 一直以为我们的爱情会持续待在热恋期，我们同居，我们见双方家长， 后来直到 1月2016 的时候，既然来了小惊喜， 但这惊喜来得开心的就我一个，而他。。。。我不知道他想什么。。从我怀孕到现在我能说我不快乐么？ 这怀孕的过程中我哭了多少次，想放弃了多少次。。这小孩是我决定留下的， 因为他/她在动。。每次去照小孩的时候我的心就很安慰。。 以前没怀孕的时候会去设想自己怀孕了会怎样。。 后来才知道。。怀孕是件很受罪的一件事。。害喜的关系导致很痛苦。。而最痛的是你身边的男伴也称老公的人如果不体贴， 那就更受罪。。。

他不知道， 我的心有多疼，他说我一直以不舒服来当借口使唤他做事。。这句话， 真的让我觉得。。如果一个人爱你， 他不会这么说。。 但回想。。我自己有对他说过这样的话么？

心情很复杂的时候， 我除了哭还会什么？ 这条路是我要走的么？ 我开心么？ 如果做单亲妈妈我能应付么？ 那如果结婚了又怎样？ 会离婚么？我的种种为什么弄的我心里难受。。 自己难受就好， 为什么要因为自己无能的而去拖累自己的家人？

"she"

Nowadays, I just have few friends (in Australia) to talk with. They may not know more about my things, becuase they just knew me for nearly a years. But for me, they're better than my 'some' Ji Mui. After my family argument incident, let me clearly know that who do really treat me as their friends. Stop giving any excuse that you're that kind of people. When I need someone to support me and stand in my side where would you be? Ask your self, why I rather to find some others bestie but not you?

 You comment in my brother's status but you didn't post any comment that which to stop others to write about my bad. I'm totally dissapointed at you. If you think you're right, and I doing the wrong thing, what I can say is, we are not longer in the same channel. Different thinking, different perspective, different personality. I'm tired enough to be your friend anymore. Sorry for saying this, but just judge me whenever you want. But you not longer my bestie anymore. Even though send me a greeting is it so difficult for you? Is it? 

Everyday I saw you like other's picture, status and comment. But you never click on mine before. Others people like I doesn't care, because the 'like' for me is mean about 'SUPPORT'... I'm human too, sometime you have to be the one initiative to send some greet for me, doesn't mean I have to be always the 'one' to keep initiaive to send greet for you... I not fussay about this kind of small matters, but it's enough for me keep acting stupid on our friendship.

The same person I met

June 9 2014

 The day, was Tracy's birthday... Nearly examination date, everyone start revision for final exam.. since I promised her, so I turn up her party. On the way me and pink heading to the Karaoke... my wechat sound.. I unlock my phone, 'Denny' send me message

Denny: still want beer?

Me: when huh??

Denny: Now????

Me: Now I can't I have to attend my friend's party, yesterday I told you, forgotten? where you want to drink???

Denny: My place...hh

Me: your place?? How I go back then??

Denny: I can drive you home... if I'm drunk I can help me call taxi...

Me: (considering, thinking.... hmmmm....)

Me: okay then, after my party you come fetch me.. then I go your place drink...

Denny: Can I join the party??

Me: oh... you want come over?? hmmm... I have to ask my friend first..

Denny: okay .. hh

after awhile......

Me: yeah my friend said you can come join us...

Denny: where is the place and what time??

Me: 10 at steeler club...

Denny: okay see ya later...

After the first celebration, heading to our second round.. steeler club.. while playing game.. Me and Denny was in a team.. loser have to finish one jug beer... the end me and denny didn't lose.. within that time I already drank 1 jug of beer and 2 tequila shots... getting drunk soon... been so long never drink that much... why I drank that much?? because of 'HIM'... and so tracy's friend challenge  me to drank finish one more jug of beer.. I'm so full and can't drink anymore, but seem he  want me to accompany him to drink.. after I drank half jug of the beer and I can't go for the rest...and tracy's friend keep forcing me.. end up I push it to Denny to help me finish it.. and he help me finish it... No longer, I went toilet and vomited twice... (the story too longer and I'm lazy to type) 

***Straight to the point... I'm drunk and I asked Denny send me back home... I remember what he said.. I remember how he comfort me, he do sang a song for me too ( but is korea song I can't understand the meaning)... I assumed that what he said because he drunk too...

From how we know each other, until we become friend and until I drunk... was so similar that how I met my ex from stranger to become friend and be couple... even their personality was so similar too... the same thing, same situation... I fall for my ex when I was drunk he take care of me... no longer.. he expressing his love to me..

What was the difference for Denny that is... he expressing love while I in drunk situation ... the next day he can't remember anything... WTH???

I admit that I do fall for him... but.. I can't.. I want someone that do really love me and dearly love on me.. but not the same personality and behavious as 'him'

I was thinking that.. is it that's was my destiny??? hmmm... but good.. he forgot about it.. because I don't want be in relationship with him...

OVER PLEASE!! I DON'T WANT A SUFFER RELATIONSHIP!! I NEED SOMEONE DO REALLY LOVE ME MORE... BUDDHA... PLEASE....

:( 

Now only I realize that....

29/4/2014

 In the day, my mood was glum, I wonder why my mind keep pop out the pictures that when we went for Redang trip. In the beach, I remember how we argue, how we stay sweet, how we fight, what you said before. I admit that, during that time, I do really act like childish. I regret before why I'm just can't be mature. I miss the moment you dearly love on me. I don't know why you hurt me so deep and I still can remember what you said to be before. The promise, the beg, the words, the sound, the expression.....

Who knows i'm still suffering for this? Who knows I'm struggling to erase all the memories.. I tried... But the memories keep recalled... and I suffered :'(

A tough person like you, because of me you tried to be soft, roman, reaching my demand... I'm happy that I'm your first girlfriend which you bought valentine's gift for. The bracelet (with star shape) I'm surprised that why could you know that I love this kind of bracelet... You answered me that I don't know, I just saw this was nice and suit you.. ( From that moment I know that our heart are link)... I thought, the always I thought,  you're my last boy friend.. but....( the end never be)

We kind of people that from two different world, our personality, temper, habits are quite similar... but... we have different thinking, and the most important thing is over education level are totally big distance.. because of this, you can't accept and we can't communicate well... everyday arguing... and I'm tired...

The bracelet you gifted me, I'm wearing on it in always, before that it never drop off. Since yesterday, it dropped off and I doesn't realize, when I'm realized, I'm happy because it proved that our fate is ended up.. But when I taking out my groceries, I found back , it return to me...( feel annoy) 

Ending up, I went to beach with my friends, I was thinking just drop it off into the deep sea, and it will never come back... always considering.. considering...

At last, my friend help me out, she help me throw off the bracelet into the deep sea.. and it will never ever come back to me... In future, whether our fate is it still there, I understand that.. something passed and it will never be back together...because time make everyone changed... ^^

Time past

24/3/2014    Rainy day

In this rainy day, listen to the song you sang for me before, I remember that smile that warm the first time we travel together, the first time we chat, we talk to each other. That's was a very good memories, I wonder did you recall those memories before?? Sometime I still will pass by your profile to see that recently how was you? I have no more guts to send you a greeting, this was the second time I wish to send you a greeting , but I didn't ! why should I? You not worth to get my greeting anymore. I hate you deeply, I never forgot how you treat me after break up! When you know that I'm going overseas, I wish to get a greeting from you (as a friend) but you never... ( past of me may feel disappointed on you, but now.. no more)

Someone say I still love you, but truely from my deep heart, you the one that suit my demand and the people that I searching for.. So that's why when you say broke up I hardly to let go? I'm suffering, crying to beg you back. How retarded I am to do such stupid thing to a person that don't appreciate my good? my effort?

I can live without you, I HATE SMOKER! I HATE YOUR STUPID IDIOT BRAINLESS LOW STANDARD FRIENDS! I HATE YOUR HEREDITY TEMPER!! 

Thanks for the hurts and thanks for letting me go, I happy that the end I don't need to pay my whole life with you! I do happy after you much people want to be couple with me, they treat me better than you, even knowledge is better than you

Finally my dreams come true. I able to went overseas for my study, the most important thing that I don't need to stay the standard that you were. 

BYE,BYE... PLEASE DISAPPEAR ^^

My first journey

1 March 2014

My second time, flying alone to overseas (Australia).  This fly will be long-term, decide to leave Malaysia, because of some reason, never think that I have that encourage to fly oversea for study.

I'm tiring of being your maid, tiring to be your daughter, I give up everything in Malaysia is to hide from you.

I try hardest to be independence, to prove you everything that I can done by myself, to do whenever both of you want me to do, at the end what I get? I doesn't want your money, doesn't want any good things or expensive thing. I only want your care, your praise. It's that really hard for you to do that?

You look down on me that I can't survive in overseas, but I will prove that !! You're totally wrong! I can survive without you! I can survive by my own.

I feel so disappointed that, even my last breakfast in malaysia you don't even accompany eat.. you just left me alone for boarding with sucks reason! I mad! I hate! why I will be treated in this way? What I do wrong? I do whenever you want!!!!